


Look Away

by NanakiBH



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Childhood Friends, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Dream Drop Distance, Spoilers, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 07:19:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3641514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The things inside him were turning him into a time bomb. If he didn't tell Sora how he felt, then it was only a matter of time before he found out on his own, one way or another. If Riku could have it his way, no one would know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Look Away

**Author's Note:**

> I played the whole 2.5 HD compilation recently and realized that I haven't written a proper Riku/Sora fic for nearly nine years. It's amazing to see how much my writing has changed in that time, but I can still feel the influence that the Kingdom Hearts series has had on my writing.

Kairi was going to be trained to wield the Keyblade.

It should have been exciting, knowing that their friend was going to have this in common with them, but an awful feeling kept getting in the way whenever Riku thought about it. Mickey's words kept repeating in his head, and, each time they repeated, they sounded worse and worse. After everything they'd gone through, considering how much progress he'd been able to make, he knew that he shouldn't think that way, but he was helpless against his feelings.

Kairi was going to wield a Keyblade, and he wasn't going to be the only one who could protect Sora anymore. Someone with that much light in their heart... She had the innate strength it took to become one of the greatest masters of all time. Before she even tried, Riku knew how impressive she was going to be, and he hated it. He hated that he hated it, too.

This should have been a good thing. Having another Keyblade-wielding ally would help take some of the pressure off of him. He wouldn't have to worry about Sora as much. To begin with, Sora was already strong enough on his own, so he hardly needed Riku to watch him, but that just made Riku worry even more now. With Kairi alongside them, Sora wasn't going to need him at all anymore.

After everything he went through, struggling to become stronger for Sora's sake, in the end, it would all amount to nothing. And nothing scared him more than that.

What had all of his effort been for? Preying on his desire for strength, the darkness had consumed him, and made him hurt Sora. To atone for that, he conquered the darkness and turned it into his power, but what meaning would any of that have if he was no longer needed? He hurt Sora for nothing and the strength that he held now would be nothing more than a selfish desire to protect someone who was already ten paces ahead of him.

Before he knew it, the seeds of worry within him sprouted thorny vines that constricted his heart. Every smile, every touch that Sora gave him burned, making him recoil farther away until he was out of Sora's sight. Inside, he wanted Sora to look at him, to smile at him and laugh with him, but all of those precious moments would turn to coal and accumulate in his darkening heart until there was no room for light to make it between the cracks. Sora's light was too dazzling for someone like him. From the start, he should have just accepted that he was never going to be able to lay comfortably beneath its rays. Because he let himself continue to foolishly hope, he let himself get hurt, and he was hurting again.

This kind of pain, he realized sadly, was something that would probably never leave him. Even if he separated himself from Sora, he would never be rid of him completely. The desire he had to protect him, to serve him, to love him was just too strong for him to ignore. At least, if he stayed away from him, it might hurt a little less. It hurt just to think about separating himself from him again, but at least then he wouldn't have to see that brilliant smile being given to someone else.

In the days before Kairi would be trained, he did his best to protect himself, steeling his heart with fake smiles he painted on his face, with a friendly voice that sounded like it came from someone else. All the while, he hoped that Sora wouldn't realize the way he felt. Ever since they were little, Sora had been astoundingly dense, so Riku thought he might not have to worry, but the occasional look Sora gave him where the corners of his mouth fell and his eyes became serious made him fear that his feelings were still too obvious. That was why, more often, he tried to keep himself out of Sora's sight, so Sora couldn't be burdened by the stupid, irrational things he felt.

He was a horrible friend. He couldn't understand why Sora still wanted to be near him.

Thinking back to times that hurt less than the way he felt now, he remembered the things that Sora told him when they reunited in the castle in The World That Never Was. This might've been the exact sort of thing Sora wanted to prevent. Sora didn't want him to go running off on his own, handling things by himself, but for something like this... Riku didn't know what else he was supposed to do.

He had no choice.

If he told Sora how he felt... This time, he would lose him for sure.

Sora had to be an idiot to stay with someone like him, but Riku cherished his presence. Each time he stupidly hurt him, Sora just smiled at him even more, and Riku loved it, but it hurt him, too. Sora didn't realize the way he made him feel, but he had no reason to realize it, either. None of this was his fault. He was simply an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of Riku's own selfish feelings.

Maybe someday he'd be able to let it slip between his fingers like the sand. Maybe eventually. But today, like the day before, Riku couldn't find the strength that was necessary to defy himself. He walked to school alone, heading out before Sora had the chance to catch him. On his way there, Sora clung to his thoughts, and Riku found himself wondering what Sora looked like in the morning right after he'd woken up. They took plenty of naps together when they were younger, and he could still remember Sora's sweet sleeping face. It didn't take him long to decide that Sora probably still looked just as cute as he remembered.

His feet blindly carried him through the front gate. He let out a sigh and a little bit of his pain left him with it, but his next breath brought along a fresh lungful of stale air as his eyes fell upon the familiar back of their childhood friend. As he watched her from a distance as she talked and laughed with her friends without a care, he felt a dangerous darkness stir inside of him. If he hadn't quickly averted his eyes, he wasn't sure what that feeling would have made him do. He didn't hate Kairi. On the contrary, she was someone very important to him now. It was just this situation that kept making him feel this way, like he needed to blame her for something just to take some of the weight off his own shoulders.

It was just him. He was the only one who felt this way, and he was the only one who knew the way that he felt. If he could have his way, he would keep it that way, too.

Although he had to be careful when he walked through the hallways, school was actually a time when he was able to relax. With Sora occupied in his own class, Riku didn't have to worry about him suddenly ruining the peace of mind he'd been able to build up for himself. From morning until afternoon, the only things he had to worry about were his own obnoxious thoughts and the lurking darkness inside. If he could keep those two things under control, he could answer questions in class like normal and talk to his classmates like nothing was wrong.

Before long, though, Sora was bound to confront him. He could tell that Sora suspected something, and it was only a matter of time before he decided to ask him about it. Riku didn't have anything prepared, so he continued to avoid him while his mind turned in frantic circles, trying to think of what he could possibly say to him.

Sora would surely find him if he left the usual way, so, at the end of the day, Riku gathered his things and quickly headed to the roof where he would wait until everyone had left. It was a nice, quiet spot where no one else went at that time of the day. It was a popular spot during lunch for the view and the pleasant island breeze, but, after school, when everyone either left or attended clubs or sports, it was a place where he could be alone. Dropping his bag near the door, he loosened his tie and walked to the fence at the edge of the roof. His fingers twined around the metal links, and, as he looked down, watching the other students as they parted and went separate ways, he swallowed back a yell that begged to be set loose. Without even passing his lips, it made his throat feel sore, made the corners of his eyes feel damp, but he used everything he had to keep it held inside.

If he hoped to hold onto whatever respect for himself remained, he needed to make sure that he never let anyone else hear that scream. Without it ever touching his own ears, he was sure of what a pitiful and pathetic sound it had to be.

Riku lifted a hand to shield his eyes as the wind suddenly picked up and sent a warm gust of summer air over the roof. It gently rushed past his face, carressing his cheeks, blowing through his hair. Its light touch felt strange, reminding him that his hair was shorter now. He'd cut it himself, but he still wasn't used to the way it felt. Feeling like a different person when he returned to the islands, he felt like he needed to do something to change his appearance to reflect his new self. He wasn't the boy he was when he left, and his longer hair only reminded him of the time he spent holding the appearance of Xehanort's Heartless. Steadily holding a pair of scissors, he'd snipped away inch after inch. After he was finished, he did feel different for a while.

It was only a little while ago, but he had really enjoyed diving into the world of dreams with Sora. It was dangerous and they ran into old foes, but it tested them, and it was fun. It was exciting. He wanted to have more of those kinds of adventures with Sora; the kind where they saw new things together. Maybe he'd end up having to save him, but they'd go back home safely at the end of the day, smiling at each other all the while, sharing the secrets of those adventures while everyone around them continued to think of them as regular boys.

He should've known that his happiness wouldn't last forever. That change he made was just a superficial one.

He hadn't changed at all. The jealousy and envy he harbored was proof that he was the same selfish child who had let himself be led astray by the darkness. At any moment, he feared that the darkness he conquered would find a way to overcome him again. If someone told him there were a way to ensure that Sora would be his forever, he'd be too interested to turn away.

“There you are.”

A voice from behind drew Riku's attention. His shoulders jumped and he quickly turned, finding Sora standing by the door that led out onto the roof. Immediately, he was filled with panic and turned back around to hide his face. He tried to greet him, but his voice refused to obey him. Frustrated, he tightly clasped the links in the fence and hung his head.

After a hesitating silence, he heard Sora's feet as he crossed the roof to where he stood, and Riku glanced to his side where he found him now standing. Sora's expression as he looked out at the gates and the path beyond was one of contrived innocence. He knew something or had something on his mind, but he was trying to keep it from showing. With the way he felt, Riku couldn't even bring himself to give that kind of effort, knowing how miserable he must've looked.

“I'm sorry,” Sora said quietly. “Do you want me to go away?”

A small, confused sound was all that came out as Riku faced him.

His facade crumbling, giving way to a forlorn expression, Sora lifted his hands to weakly tangle his fingers in the fence's links. “Lately, it feels like we haven't been spending as much time together. If you feel like you need to take a break and just want to focus on school or something, then that's fine. It just feels weird – not talking to you, not seeing you... We'll be back to training soon anyway, so if this is how you want it to be, then...”

What was he saying? The things that were coming out of Sora's mouth clearly weren't what he meant. But if that were the case, then Riku couldn't figure out what he was really trying to tell him. It sounded a lot like Sora was saying that he missed him and wanted to spend more time with him, but that couldn't be right. Riku wasn't that important, especially when there was someone else who deserved Sora's attention more than he did now.

“When have you ever asked my permission? If you want to stay here, you'll stay here, won't you?”

Now Riku couldn't even believe the words coming out of his own mouth. It was all wishful thinking.

This was odd; Sora was right. The two of them were definitely acting strange. He wasn't used to seeing Sora acting this thoughtful and hesitant. It was like he was tiptoeing around the real thing he wanted to say, carefully selecting the words that would affect the situation the least. This wasn't the Sora he was used to. Sora was supposed to be grinning and laughing and saying whatever he wanted, tackling whatever effect it had only after the words were out of his mouth.

Sora nodded slowly, then gave a smile that didn't show in his eyes. “You're right. Sorry, Riku. I'm probably just over-thinking things, aren't I? What am I doing, right? Thinking isn't my strong suit.” His gaze drifted lower, falling out of focus. “Maybe I should just leave it all to you.”

“If you left the thinking to me, we might just end up going in circles.”

“Yeah...” Sora's fingers slipped out of the links and he turned, facing him directly, forcing Riku to look at him. “That kind of feels like what we're doing right now, so why don't we say what we're really thinking? I know that there's something bothering you. I thought it might be me. It felt like you were avoiding me, but if you say that's not the case, then I'll believe you.”

All he had to do was tell him 'yes' and Sora would drop it and leave him alone. It was as simple as that small, three-letter word, yet Riku couldn't say it. If he said it, he knew that Sora would continue to think about it anyway. His pain had become Sora's problem again. Until he solved it, Sora was going to keep worry about him, but he couldn't find a way to escape it this time.

“Riku... It feels like you're running away again. I can't tell if you're trying to do something yourself or if you're trying to leave me behind, though. If there's anything I can do, then I want to help you, but if you're abandoning me, then...” His mouth flattened into a line that wobbled with unstable emotion. Knowing that it was because of him dug deeply into Riku's heart.

“One way or another, I always end up hurting you, don't I?” Riku muttered. He let his hands fall to his sides and finally turned toward him, letting in the guilt as he looked at Sora's face. “I'm the one who always makes things more complicated than they have to be. You shouldn't be the one to apologize.”

Sora shook his head fervently. “No, I should. I can tell I'm bothering you, but I always stick my head into your business. I always want to be around you – I always want to be with you, but it's just annoying to you, isn't it? You're all grown up now, so I probably just seem like a kid who can't stop clinging to his friend.”

Riku wished that he could tell him how happy that made him, but the reality of it made him ache. No matter how much Sora clung to him, he would always just be his friend. He couldn't be the person Riku wanted.

When he didn't respond, Sora took a step back and clasped his hands together in front of himself. “You aren't as complicated as you think you are,” Sora said, “but with the way I feel right now, I can't tell what you're really thinking. I feel like I'm making things up in my head to satisfy myself with what I want to believe. So what is it? Am I going crazy? What aren't you telling me?”

Just like he feared, he was making Sora worry about his problems, and he still hadn't come up with something to say to him. He knew that it was going to make him worry more, but there was nothing else he could say.

“It's for the best if you let me handle this one alone.”

“I won't,” Sora answered. Riku knew it would've been unreasonable to expect him to respond any differently, considering who he was talking to. “I want you to tell me. I don't know what you're thinking, but it can't be worse than what's in me.”

Riku grinned. “What's that? Do you think you have some darkness in you now, too?”

This time, he expected Sora to laugh, but it looked like Sora took his remark seriously, looking down like he was looking into himself. He held a hand over his chest and closed his eyes for a moment, thinking or feeling. “No. It's not darkness. The things I feel... The way I feel about you can't be wrong.”

Leaning against the fence, Riku rested his head against it and regarded Sora tiredly, feeling exhausted by the conversation. “Well, yeah. I don't know how you could ever confuse your feelings for darkness. You've never made a wrong decision. Your heart is pretty pure. You're practically one step away from being a princess of light.”

That time, he finally made Sora laugh. If only just a little, he was able to relax at the sound.

“Stop it, Riku! I'm trying to be serious!” he pouted, balling his fists at his sides. “Really, how much more am I going to have to say before you finally get it?”

Whatever it was, Riku would only be fooling himself if he thought that Sora felt the same way about him. That was impossible.

Sora looked at him, his eyes seeming more confident. “I don't know what you have to tell me, but I know that if I don't tell you how I feel, it's going to make me explode someday, and I don't want it to happen at the wrong time. The truth is... I've always coveted you.” He scratched nervously at his cheek. “I-I think that's the right word... What I mean is, you were always my most important friend. For a long time, you were my only friend. I felt cool because you were older than me, but you always looked out for me and treated me well, and that made me feel so happy. I was even happy when you'd tease me.”

“Sora, what're you-”

“You're important to me.”

Although he'd been doing so well at holding it in, a spiteful truth came flying out. “Kairi is important to you, too.”

“H-huh?” Sora was taken aback. “Y-yeah, she's important to me too, but... Wait, what does she have to do with this? I'm talking about you.”

Riku bit down on the inside of his cheek, cursing himself for letting something slip like that. It wasn't like him to lose control that easily, but he was nearing the end of his rope because of the things Sora was saying. Sora didn't even realize how badly he was reminding him of his place in his heart; a place that could never be as big as Riku hoped.

But now Sora was giving him an imploring look, like he expected him to explain.

It would fill him up until he'd explode, huh...

“I'm not nearly as great as you think I am,” Riku said. “Yeah, you keep hanging around me, but I don't deserve your attention. Your attention is all I want.”

“Then why were you avoiding me?”

There was no way Sora was going to understand anyway, so he made the crazy decision to tell him. “Because I want to be the only one who has your attention, and if I can't be that person, then I'd rather be completely alone.”

Sora leaned back, but didn't take another step, his eyes wide, his brows pulled together in confusion. “Is that how you really feel?”

Swallowing past the pounding of his heart that had made it all the way to the pulse in his throat, Riku nodded. “Yeah. That's how it is. I'm jealous of anyone you give your attention to. Compared to me, you aren't as childish as you think.”

As if he hadn't even been listening, Sora continued. “So... All of that stuff I worried about... I was worrying for nothing?” Before Riku could say another word, Sora put his hands on his shoulders and gave him a shake. “If I just heard you right, you're saying that you always want me to pay attention to you, right? And I'm saying that you're the person I care about most. So, doesn't this work out for both of us?”

Riku shrugged off Sora's hands. “It's not that simple.”

“Riku.” Straightening up, Sora grabbed his hands and held them firmly in his own. “Don't make me say it. It's really embarrassing.”

Now his head was spinning. All of a sudden, this conversation had taken an unexpected turn. The warmth of Sora's hands made Riku's entire body feel hot, and he could tell that his face was red. He swallowed again, but his breath was lodged in his throat and his thoughts became fuzzier. “Sora...?”

“It's alright. I can handle it by myself this time,” he said, almost as if he were trying to convince himself. Closing his eyes, Sora took a breath. When he opened them, Riku was frozen by the warm, honest conviction in them. “Riku, I like you.”

It was one of those kinds of moments where the whole world stood still for a few moments, revolving solely around them, observing them at that one, pivitol moment. There was no mistaking the words that Sora said to him this time when he saw the look in his eyes, yet Riku found it hard to believe no matter how real it was. All at once, all of those things he'd been feeling came crashing down, making him want to release that long-held scream just to let it all out, but he was still trapped, pulled in a thousand directions by this revelation.

More than anything, he felt incredulous that Sora actually felt the same. At the same time, however, the self-effacing part of him said that he wasn't deserving of his affection, even if he were allowed to have it.

In all of his dreams, he simply hoped to reach a time when he could forget about his feelings. He never expected Sora to return them.

“I know you're a selfish person,” Sora said. His eyes had strayed, but he continued to glance at him timidly as he fought to speak clearly. “Why don't... Why don't you let yourself be selfish... just this once?”

This was an unknown road. He didn't know the way, but Sora was there, holding out his hand for him. For once, he didn't have to run off on his own. Sora was willing to hold him by the hand if it meant that he'd come along with him.

Looking down at their joined hands, he loosely held Sora's back and asked him in a quiet voice, “Is it really okay?”

He looked up to find Sora smiling at him, his cheeks pink. “Yeah. Of course it is. I said so,” Sora said, his smile turning into a playful grin. “Now can I hear you say it too? It's only fair.”

Still in a state of disbelief, Riku release Sora's hands and wrapped his arms around his friend's slight shoulders, pulling him against his chest. Sora was just the right height, his head tucked comfortably against his shoulder. Tilting his head just a little, Riku could smell his hair and the warm, salty-sweet fragrance of summer. He held him, and he felt Sora's arms return his embrace, but Riku held him even tighter still, feeling like the light in his arms might become eclipsed by his shadow and disappear. Through their light, thin uniforms, he felt Sora's heart, fast, its pace seeming to synchronize with his own.

He worried about the future. He worried that he might not always be able to hold a pure place in Sora's heart, but he knew that he might never be given a chance like this again, and he didn't want to let anyone else steal it.

This one in his arms, his dearest friend, the one he wanted to protect the most...

“I love you, Sora.”

Sora jumped slightly, startled, and leaned back to stare at him with a severely embarrassed look on his face. “Y-you aren't turning this into a competition now, are you? That's like a whole other level, you know.”

Nodding, Riku linked his hands behind Sora's back, making sure he stayed. “I'm just... saying what I really feel. You know I find it hard to say what I'm thinking. You said you wanted to hear the truth, so... That's it. That's all there is to it. I love you. For a long, long time – maybe since the first moment we met – I've always loved you.”

“Riku...” Bringing his hands up, he held Riku's face and looked into his eyes with a soft, fond smile. Just as Riku felt himself melting into that gentle gaze, the fingers that held his face gave his cheeks a rough pinch. Even when he protested, Sora refused to let go, grinning wickedly as he tugged on his aching cheeks.

“Wha'd ahh youh doin'h?” Riku tried to ask, his words sounding like they were all tongue.

Finally, looking satisfied, Sora let go of him, and Riku stumbled back, rubbing at his sore cheeks. Sora put his hands on his hips and huffed, turning his face indignantly toward the clouds. “That's what you get for making me worry! From now on, you better stop keeping things inside. I know it's hard for you, but... T-try to think of it as something you're doing for me, alright? I... I want to be strong for you, too. I mean, somebody's gotta watch you. You can't always be the only one who takes care of things. If you're always ahead on your own, then...”

That voice...

Slowly, Riku's fingers left his aching cheeks. Trying to convince himself that there was no need for hesitation any longer, he placed his hands on Sora's shoulders and guided him back into his arms, holding him the way that only felt right. Though he held no confidence in his ability to speak, he tried to find the words for him.

“If this means that I can always be by your side, then I'll try to rely on you a little more.”

“You'd better,” Sora said, tilting his chin to look at him. “We're strong, but we're even stronger together. I hope you won't forget that.”

If they were together, maybe he wouldn't have to worry about his individual strength. He wouldn't have to worry about being stronger than someone else. It was the power that he and Sora shared together that really mattered most.

Holding him a little more tightly, Riku nodded and said, “I'll remember,” without looking away.


End file.
